Rainy night, breakdown - April 12, 2024

I constantly think of N, not necessarily out of longing, but more like a habit formed over more than 20 years of life. It is a ferry on his calm river, or perhaps more like a lonely pastime, at most a slightly sad and warm appreciation - just like collecting stamps, taking out the past collections to look at, whether it brings happiness or pain, it benefits from the passage of time, and then still collects them, not letting them cause trouble and disrupt the smooth flow of a river, including not letting the past make today pale.

  • Shi Tiesheng

Today is Friday, but due to the school sports meet, we got unexpected rest time. I woke up around ten in the morning, had breakfast and lunch together, and then focused on studying.

Close to dusk, I hurriedly had dinner at the cafeteria and then went to Starbucks again. I was looking for a quiet learning environment actually also with the thought of finding the Bluetooth keyboard I left there yesterday. After some effort, I successfully completed multiple lab reports:

  • Fluorescent lamp power factor optimization - Electric and Electronics

  • Observation of solidification state - Engineering Materials

    Uniform and non-uniform nucleation of ammonium chloride

  • Metallographic sampling and microscopy - Engineering Materials

  • Heat treatment process of steel - Engineering Materials

  • Observation of equilibrium structure of iron-carbon alloy - Engineering Materials

    Heat treatment process of steel

  • Plastic deformation and recrystallization of metals - Engineering Materials

After finishing, it happened to be closing time for Starbucks, so I carried my bag and headed back to school.

On the way back, I passed by many small stalls, and every vendor selling starch sausages had inspection reports of the ingredients displayed, reminding me of the scene after March 15th. That day, I witnessed the dispute between the property and the merchants, and a single word from the media, a speck of dust in society, could be a heavy mountain for an individual. I opened the cigarette case and found only a few left, tiredly lit one, took a deep breath, but exhaled an unpleasant smoke.

Although I always appeared calm and relaxed, seemingly carefree, I have to admit that this semester has indeed been agonizing for me. Last semester, I still had her company (even if only for half a semester), and the academic pressure was manageable. Occasionally, we went on outings, had a drink, and were familiar faces at bars like Space, DNA, and PH. At that time, my financial situation was still stable (actually delayed the crisis with the help of friends).

However, this semester is different. There is no one by my side, the academic pressure has increased sharply, and financial problems have emerged. Every month, I struggle to make ends meet. For the past few weeks, I haven't touched alcohol. I originally planned to go to KTV to sing alone and relieve stress, but I gave up because of the high night-time prices.

Back in the dormitory, it suddenly started pouring rain outside the window. My roommate informed me that he was caught by the dormitory management station for violating the use of an electric cooker, resulting in losing the qualification for honors and awards. Although I don't care about scholarships and evaluations, hearing this news still made me feel disappointed.

Just as I picked up my pen to record memories of the National Day, especially the time spent with her, I got caught up in it. Looking at the chat records on my phone screen, a day's worth of frustration burst out in an instant, and tears flowed uncontrollably.

She has blocked me for half a year, but I keep lingering in sadness, seemingly getting out and then falling back in - in fact, I have never truly emerged from the gloom. My condemnation and hatred towards her do not mean that I have let go. I have been trapped in the vortex she created, unable to free myself. For the past six months, I have not actively sought a way out, just passively allowing myself to sink...

I miss her, but she shouldn't be my whole life.

I know she is the one who is wrong, and I have never done anything wrong.

She left casually, leaving me struggling in the mud.

I must find a way to free myself from this predicament.

I believe time will heal everything, but I also need to actively face it.

I look forward to the day when I can look back on the past with a calm smile.

Will everything be okay?


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